A Few Recommendations to Stop Airborne Terrorism
Idea 1
Profile all Muslims and people of Middle Eastern Background
Since these people are prime suspects anyway, profiling against them not only makes sense but
saves travelers and tax payers billions of dollars every year.
At airports across the country all passengers must form a line with their tickets and valid IDs in
hand. Then a professional profiler from TSA walks by, examines their travel documents and taps on
the shoulders of suspects. The profiled passengers step forward to go through rigorous
interrogation and screening while others give them standing ovation for their unacceptable looks
and for providing everyone else a hassle free travel experience.
Needless to say in return for violation of their constitutional rights, the profiled passengers should
be properly compensated. Those who survive the screening process and are cleared should fly first
class for free including all meals (with halal meat) and non alcoholic beverages of their choice.
Others will be sent to secret prisons to experience enhanced interrogation techniques in person.
If idea 1 does not yield desirable result and threat of terrorism persists, one concludes that the said
suspects are posing more dangerous than previously believed therefore,
Idea 2
Ban all Muslims and people of Middle Eastern Background from flying, period.
Since implementation of this security measure may cause slight inconvenience for our fellow citizen
of Middle East background and to accommodate their traveling needs when Muslims and Arabs
book overseas flights, a healthy mule must be shipped to their address free of charge by Fed-Ex
within 48 hours to be used as means of transportation.
If God forbid, after taking all these precautions, an act of terrorism is committed in the air, it
becomes obvious that the evil doers have adapted to the new high alert traveling environment.
Evidently young bearded Muslims have gone through drastic reconstructive surgeries and
disguised themselves to pass through security checkpoint at airports.
In that case,
Idea 3
At all airport security checkpoints, profile the hell out of the least suspicious travelers including but
not limited to,
The white haired grandmother holding an apple pie, the blind Jewish Rabbi with asthma, in a
wheelchair, the expecting pregnant woman with triplets, the hyperactive Cocker Spaniel in cage and
even the dead uncle’s body transported in a coffin
All prime suspects must go through invasive background check, pat-down and cavity search with no
exception.
If above steps fail to neutralize the threat, then,
Idea 4
Put all passengers into sleep during the entire flight. As passengers boarding the plane must be
given sleeping pills one by one and wished sweet dreams. A sedative suppository must be
administered on non-cooperative travelers.
Finally, as a last ditch effort and to stop the rise of global fundamentalism in general and to prevent
violence against innocent civilians in particular and to create a safer world for everyone,
Idea 5
The U.S. government should take it easy on meddling in internal affairs of other countries, stop
toppling non-client dictators across the globe and quit the bad habit of invading and occupying
other countries under false pretenses.