Homeless
When the city ordinance in U.S. major cities prohibited Homeless from sleeping under
bridges, on park benches, and on sidewalks, the Homeless issue became number one public
concern. Although homelessness was the hot issue of the day, majority of people remained
uninformed of its root causes.
The Nature of disease
To properly educate citizens, a major television network invited a panel of experts to a
prime time special to discuss the topic. This program was sponsored by the Home
Entertainment Corporation-HEC. There was an enormous publicity blitz to promote the special.
The projected audience turnout inflated the cost of advertising minutes until they exceeded
even Super Bowl commercials in price.
The show opened with a distinguished sociology professor who gave a thoughtful account of
this social plague. He said, “A homeless is a person who does not have a home.” This profound
and comprehensive definition sparked an intense debate among the expert panelists.
An eminent historian warned, “We must explore the historical cause of this social disease
otherwise we cannot eradicate it. My studies show that these people are traced back to
wandering Jews that after thousands of years still have no home.” She then turned her eyes
directly into the camera and continued: “Purchase my hardcover book “Kick a Homeless Ass” at
a reasonable price of $29.95 at your local bookstore to understand this infectious disease. And
don’t miss the delicious ending.”
Then a conservative politician compassionately rejected her anti-Semite/liberal view, he
said, “Karl Marx wrote at the beginning of the manifesto of the communist party “A specter is
haunting Europe — the specter of communism. These bastards haunted Europe for half a
century and thank heaven their atheist ideology finally collapsed. And now the same damn
Communists who have gone completely berserk after the defeat of their ideals by Capitalism
moved to America. Now they wander the streets of our modern industrial cities like shabby
dressed ghosts just to make our prosperous societies look bad.”
An African-American civic leader and a major shareholder of the HEC, nodded in agreement
with the right wing politician, “Yes, I hear you brother. We the leaders of the civil right
movement have evidence that proves our enemies dispatch their black agents dressed as
Homeless just to create racial tensions in our country.”
And finally a CEO of an Internet company offered an insider’s look of the homeless and
revealed their true identity, “Homeless are nothing but leftover hippies who are fixated on their
obsolete principals. They still keep their hair long, refuse to take shower, fornicate excessively
and smoke pot. I personally know some of these vagabonds from Vietnam War era.” He
suddenly paused, looked up at the camera, and sheepishly apologized again for his opposition to
the war when he was a stupid young man during the Sixties.
After this public comprehensive enlightenment, it was time to properly address this social
plague and eradicate it once and for all.
The Solution
The Homeless controversy deepened when a softhearted philanthropist published an article
and proposed establishing shelter homes as a short-term solution and blamed the stagnate
economy as the root cause of this issue. She urged the government to stimulate the economy
and create jobs. Politicians from right to left and top to bottom unanimously rejected these
radical ideas and called her a Commie bastard.
One senator remarked, “The idea of free housing would tempt people to become Homeless.
It’s not the government’s responsibility to create jobs for citizens. That would be against the
spirit of a free society,” he said.
The Tougher Action
Due to urgency of the matter, the city ordinance was announced on major networks and
print media. It argued that this virus must be eliminated from the fabric of society and carriers
of this virus must be prosecuted. Homeless were banned from sleeping under bridges, park
benches or sidewalks. After the official condemnation of this social plague, Homeless could not
afford to stay poor anymore. They had to purchase a house and change their life style or face
the legal consequences.
Since Homeless do not watch television and sleep on newspapers instead of reading them,
the news did not reach its target audience. All homeowners received the warning and none of
the Homeless. Obviously the Homeless were granted ample time to upgrade their social status
and they stubbornly refused to cooperate. These felons continued sleeping on public property—
especially during freezing nights just to demonstrate their lack of respect for the new law. Their
defiance was outrageous. They were mocking the law! Now was the time to act decisively.
The Good Citizens
Since the enforcement of the new law did not bear fruit, a grass root paramilitary group
called, “The Good Citizens”, was established. This nationwide organization was formed by well
educated and upper class citizens who after dinner had enough leisure time to chase Homeless
out of public areas at night and lose some weight in the process. However, after months of hard
work, The Good Citizens benefited from the exercise and got in shape and lost a few pounds
around their bellies yet the Homelessness issue was not resolved.
The Preacher
Since the man’s law was not working, God had to intervene. Therefore, a prominent
spiritual leader appeared on a Sunday morning television show and preached, “Homeless will
finally become Godless, because they don’t see that God works in mysterious ways.” He sighed,
“If we don’t get rid of homeless people now, sooner than later Homeless women will sell their
soul to Satan and their bodies to married men. They will spread evil in our society and eventually
our spotless community will be tainted with adultery.”
Spiritual leaders joined politicians, businessmen and Hollywood celebrities in a lavish
televised banquet one night, sipped champagne and chanted, “Death to Homeless.”
The Voice of Homeless however was silent in this reception, not because they didn’t have
one, but because he was a little under the weather and resting at home. In a written statement
he apologized for his absence and regretted the missed opportunity to promote his book called
“Homeless, What a Mess” in such a high profile event.
Later on he appeared on television and courageously challenged this unjust city ordinance
and passionately argued, “How do we know that a person who is resting on a park bench or
under a bridge is really a Homeless? We must take every precaution not to harass decent
people just because they enjoy the outdoors.”
He then proposed profiling based on race, color, body odor and wardrobe as the only
effective metric to identify offenders. Bold and unprecedented recommendations like this
established his position as an indisputable advocate of Homeless.
As a result, the law was fine-tuned to prevent violating the constitutional rights of citizens.
It was stipulated that if the person sleeping on the bench is white, does not smell repulsively and
is not dressed in ragged clothing, he may not be considered a Homeless and therefore is not
breaking any law.
The Crackdown
Every night police officers woke up suspects sleeping in public, looked them in the eyes and
slyly asked, “Where is your home?” If the person didn’t know the answer or replied after a
questionable pause, he or she would be considered a member of the anti-social Homeless
network and get arrested on spot and sent to jail.
However progress was slow. Several reports indicated Homeless not only continued sleeping
in the public areas but to show their utter defiance, they farted violently and became vocal in
their acts of protest.
Some of these apprehended anarchists did not even speak English and responded to the
authorities only by uttering, “Si, Por favor, Si, No, Si.” Which led the authorities to believe they
were connected to foreign powers. Poor countries were exporting their poverty to destroy
America.
The public was outraged after a televised report showed a Homeless searching through
garbage and empting the container. A prominent sociologist analyzed the footage and
remarked, “This Homeless acted exactly opposite of a good citizen. A good citizen tosses the
garbage into the trashcan and the Homeless takes the garbage out.” This powerful
documentary disturbed all good citizens. By now, it was obvious, that these radicals could not
be ignored. No one could close his eyes on this clear and present danger.
The Grand Finale
The president of the United States George W Bush addressed the issue by reading notes his
aide hastily handed to him during a press conference, “Today, these evildoers mess our city,
hum, tomorrow they mess my city, hum, hum, the next day your city, hum, it’s a mess, hum. In
my book a Homeless is a terrorist, yeah, hum, and it’s my duty to protect America. They can run
but they can’t hide. We will smoke them out of their holes.” He pledged a budget increase to
hire more law enforcement officers to eradicate homelessness.
And then the national campaign against un patriot homeless grew stronger. Every night,
cops cruised the streets in search of ghosts in ragged clothing. Perpetrators were arrested at
such a high rate that big cities soon ran out of jail cells. A new emergency budget was quickly
approved for construction of more detention centers. New jails required wardens,
interrogators, security guards and staff. The president’s prompt response boosted employment
in large cities and created thousands of jobs.
As a result of war against Homeless, the state-of-the-art prisons became landmarks of every
modern city. The wheels of the stagnant economy started rolling and economists, politicians
and pundits unanimously credited the Homeless for the economic prosperity that befitted all.
Even Homeless was happy to see the success of this national campaign. Millions of criminals had
a place they could call home.
The Hero
The leader of the “Voice of Homeless” is now considered a national hero and a presidential
candidate in upcoming election. In an exclusive TV interview, he publicly praised the Homeless
for sleeping on park benches, underpasses and sidewalks.
When the city ordinance in U.S. major cities prohibited Homeless from sleeping under
bridges, on park benches, and on sidewalks, the Homeless issue became number one public
concern. Although homelessness was the hot issue of the day, majority of people remained
uninformed of its root causes.
The Nature of disease
To properly educate citizens, a major television network invited a panel of experts to a
prime time special to discuss the topic. This program was sponsored by the Home
Entertainment Corporation-HEC. There was an enormous publicity blitz to promote the special.
The projected audience turnout inflated the cost of advertising minutes until they exceeded
even Super Bowl commercials in price.
The show opened with a distinguished sociology professor who gave a thoughtful account of
this social plague. He said, “A homeless is a person who does not have a home.” This profound
and comprehensive definition sparked an intense debate among the expert panelists.
An eminent historian warned, “We must explore the historical cause of this social disease
otherwise we cannot eradicate it. My studies show that these people are traced back to
wandering Jews that after thousands of years still have no home.” She then turned her eyes
directly into the camera and continued: “Purchase my hardcover book “Kick a Homeless Ass” at
a reasonable price of $29.95 at your local bookstore to understand this infectious disease. And
don’t miss the delicious ending.”
Then a conservative politician compassionately rejected her anti-Semite/liberal view, he
said, “Karl Marx wrote at the beginning of the manifesto of the communist party “A specter is
haunting Europe — the specter of communism. These bastards haunted Europe for half a
century and thank heaven their atheist ideology finally collapsed. And now the same damn
Communists who have gone completely berserk after the defeat of their ideals by Capitalism
moved to America. Now they wander the streets of our modern industrial cities like shabby
dressed ghosts just to make our prosperous societies look bad.”
An African-American civic leader and a major shareholder of the HEC, nodded in agreement
with the right wing politician, “Yes, I hear you brother. We the leaders of the civil right
movement have evidence that proves our enemies dispatch their black agents dressed as
Homeless just to create racial tensions in our country.”
And finally a CEO of an Internet company offered an insider’s look of the homeless and
revealed their true identity, “Homeless are nothing but leftover hippies who are fixated on their
obsolete principals. They still keep their hair long, refuse to take shower, fornicate excessively
and smoke pot. I personally know some of these vagabonds from Vietnam War era.” He
suddenly paused, looked up at the camera, and sheepishly apologized again for his opposition to
the war when he was a stupid young man during the Sixties.
After this public comprehensive enlightenment, it was time to properly address this social
plague and eradicate it once and for all.
The Solution
The Homeless controversy deepened when a softhearted philanthropist published an article
and proposed establishing shelter homes as a short-term solution and blamed the stagnate
economy as the root cause of this issue. She urged the government to stimulate the economy
and create jobs. Politicians from right to left and top to bottom unanimously rejected these
radical ideas and called her a Commie bastard.
One senator remarked, “The idea of free housing would tempt people to become Homeless.
It’s not the government’s responsibility to create jobs for citizens. That would be against the
spirit of a free society,” he said.
The Tougher Action
Due to urgency of the matter, the city ordinance was announced on major networks and
print media. It argued that this virus must be eliminated from the fabric of society and carriers
of this virus must be prosecuted. Homeless were banned from sleeping under bridges, park
benches or sidewalks. After the official condemnation of this social plague, Homeless could not
afford to stay poor anymore. They had to purchase a house and change their life style or face
the legal consequences.
Since Homeless do not watch television and sleep on newspapers instead of reading them,
the news did not reach its target audience. All homeowners received the warning and none of
the Homeless. Obviously the Homeless were granted ample time to upgrade their social status
and they stubbornly refused to cooperate. These felons continued sleeping on public property—
especially during freezing nights just to demonstrate their lack of respect for the new law. Their
defiance was outrageous. They were mocking the law! Now was the time to act decisively.
The Good Citizens
Since the enforcement of the new law did not bear fruit, a grass root paramilitary group
called, “The Good Citizens”, was established. This nationwide organization was formed by well
educated and upper class citizens who after dinner had enough leisure time to chase Homeless
out of public areas at night and lose some weight in the process. However, after months of hard
work, The Good Citizens benefited from the exercise and got in shape and lost a few pounds
around their bellies yet the Homelessness issue was not resolved.
The Preacher
Since the man’s law was not working, God had to intervene. Therefore, a prominent
spiritual leader appeared on a Sunday morning television show and preached, “Homeless will
finally become Godless, because they don’t see that God works in mysterious ways.” He sighed,
“If we don’t get rid of homeless people now, sooner than later Homeless women will sell their
soul to Satan and their bodies to married men. They will spread evil in our society and eventually
our spotless community will be tainted with adultery.”
Spiritual leaders joined politicians, businessmen and Hollywood celebrities in a lavish
televised banquet one night, sipped champagne and chanted, “Death to Homeless.”
The Voice of Homeless however was silent in this reception, not because they didn’t have
one, but because he was a little under the weather and resting at home. In a written statement
he apologized for his absence and regretted the missed opportunity to promote his book called
“Homeless, What a Mess” in such a high profile event.
Later on he appeared on television and courageously challenged this unjust city ordinance
and passionately argued, “How do we know that a person who is resting on a park bench or
under a bridge is really a Homeless? We must take every precaution not to harass decent
people just because they enjoy the outdoors.”
He then proposed profiling based on race, color, body odor and wardrobe as the only
effective metric to identify offenders. Bold and unprecedented recommendations like this
established his position as an indisputable advocate of Homeless.
As a result, the law was fine-tuned to prevent violating the constitutional rights of citizens.
It was stipulated that if the person sleeping on the bench is white, does not smell repulsively and
is not dressed in ragged clothing, he may not be considered a Homeless and therefore is not
breaking any law.
The Crackdown
Every night police officers woke up suspects sleeping in public, looked them in the eyes and
slyly asked, “Where is your home?” If the person didn’t know the answer or replied after a
questionable pause, he or she would be considered a member of the anti-social Homeless
network and get arrested on spot and sent to jail.
However progress was slow. Several reports indicated Homeless not only continued sleeping
in the public areas but to show their utter defiance, they farted violently and became vocal in
their acts of protest.
Some of these apprehended anarchists did not even speak English and responded to the
authorities only by uttering, “Si, Por favor, Si, No, Si.” Which led the authorities to believe they
were connected to foreign powers. Poor countries were exporting their poverty to destroy
America.
The public was outraged after a televised report showed a Homeless searching through
garbage and empting the container. A prominent sociologist analyzed the footage and
remarked, “This Homeless acted exactly opposite of a good citizen. A good citizen tosses the
garbage into the trashcan and the Homeless takes the garbage out.” This powerful
documentary disturbed all good citizens. By now, it was obvious, that these radicals could not
be ignored. No one could close his eyes on this clear and present danger.
The Grand Finale
The president of the United States George W Bush addressed the issue by reading notes his
aide hastily handed to him during a press conference, “Today, these evildoers mess our city,
hum, tomorrow they mess my city, hum, hum, the next day your city, hum, it’s a mess, hum. In
my book a Homeless is a terrorist, yeah, hum, and it’s my duty to protect America. They can run
but they can’t hide. We will smoke them out of their holes.” He pledged a budget increase to
hire more law enforcement officers to eradicate homelessness.
And then the national campaign against un patriot homeless grew stronger. Every night,
cops cruised the streets in search of ghosts in ragged clothing. Perpetrators were arrested at
such a high rate that big cities soon ran out of jail cells. A new emergency budget was quickly
approved for construction of more detention centers. New jails required wardens,
interrogators, security guards and staff. The president’s prompt response boosted employment
in large cities and created thousands of jobs.
As a result of war against Homeless, the state-of-the-art prisons became landmarks of every
modern city. The wheels of the stagnant economy started rolling and economists, politicians
and pundits unanimously credited the Homeless for the economic prosperity that befitted all.
Even Homeless was happy to see the success of this national campaign. Millions of criminals had
a place they could call home.
The Hero
The leader of the “Voice of Homeless” is now considered a national hero and a presidential
candidate in upcoming election. In an exclusive TV interview, he publicly praised the Homeless
for sleeping on park benches, underpasses and sidewalks.