Classified Advertising&Public Announcements
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Employment Opportunity at CIA
Central Intelligent Agency is looking for
highly qualified secret agents to
perform covert operations in the US
and abroad.
1. Do you get a kick out of blowing
up industrial facilities and sabotage
activities?
2. Do you have a thing for coup
d'états against unfriendly and friendly
governments?
3. Do you enjoy listening to private
conversations of US citizen?
4. Do you have a knack for political
assassinations?
If your answer is yes, then welcome to
CIA. As our name indicates, we are an
agency that attracts and absorbs only
intelligent individuals. Therefore to be
considered for a well-paid position with
full benefit package:
You must have a Post Graduate degree
form an accredited US academic
institution and know how to read and
write.
You must be able to locate Kansas on
the map in 15 minutes and tell us if
North Dakota is located above South
Dakota on the US map with your eyes
closed. All candidates will be
thoroughly tested on geography.
You must also have a profound
knowledge of history. We will pose this
surprised history question to you during
the initial interview, “The pyramid was
first built in Egypt or in Las Vegas?”
As you can see to be a part of CIA you
must embrace challenge. However, if
you possess such unique qualifications,
please forward your resume according
to the following secretive guidelines.
Start your resume with your bogus
name, two scrambled phone numbers
and your wrong address. Make sure to
include your incorrect email and invalid
Social Security for background checks.
Lie about your professional
background. Make up stories about
your special skills and list three fictitious
characters as your personal
references.
Send your detailed resume to our non-
existing address for immediate
consideration.
Attention Ms. Jenni McCormick
The home-wrecker bitch
Your tight flashy outfit and your slutty
attitude in the last weekend birthday party
was uncalled for. We noticed single guys
starring at your wobbly butt and married
men undressing you with their hungry eyes.
You’ve gone too far this time and ticked us
all off.
Please take this as your final warning. If you
continue to shine, we have no choice but to
email your pictures before your boob job and
tummy tuck to everyone on our mailing list.
In the meantime we sincerely hope your
recent nose job does not work out for you
and you develop a few pimples and two zits.
Signed by your old friends: Pamela, Roselyn,
Khadijah Washington, Atsuko and her cousin
Fuyuko, Angie and Kate
Dear Mrs. Smart
The distinguished veteran
Of the Jolly Widows of America Club
We joyfully received the highly anticipated
news of your fifth husband’s disappearance.
According to information available to us
through various sources, you were the sole
beneficiary of his enormous wealth.
Please accept our sincere congratulations
on your newly acquired fortune.
We welcome your triumphant return to our
club and anxiously waiting to hear your sixth
wedding bell. Your continuous success is
inspiring.
From all regular and associate members
Immediate Job Opening
For a Professional Killer
I am an unappreciated housewife who is
actively searching for a ruthless murderer
to expire my husband on a short notice.
As an ideal candidate your resume must
include,
A long list of impressing criminal activities
Your prior convictions
Your prison terms (lengths, and specific
criminal charges)
And your extracurricular illegal activities
and your weird fantasies
Criminals with fugitive status have priority.
Please apply in person with your resume,
two impeccable murder plots and your
choice of murder weapon.
I am a very result oriented lady therefore
your compensation is commensurate with
outcome and how timely the mission is
accomplished.
P.S. My sister and two of my good friends
are also in market for this service and
waiting to evaluate the success of my
project. Therefore, your competence in
handling my affair means a long-term job
security for you.
To: Petty Dictator General A J P
From: Board of Trustees,
Global Alliance to Promote
Despotism
The news of your failed coup d'état in
your country embarrassed us all. There
was no report of bloodshed, no mass
detention and not even a brutal
crackdown on demonstrators. We just
witnessed a few random shooting
incidents, some protesters with broken
teeth and bloody noses on television. Do
you call this charade a military coup?
You didn’t even silence intellectuals and
artists to pave your way to seize the
power. Don’t you know the first thing
about tyranny? This fiasco you called a
coup d'état was nothing but a miserable
failure. You’re a disgrace to all ruthless
tyrants.
You not only embarrassed us as vicious
dictators but also let down the world
powers, the great democracies that rely
on us to do their dirty works across the
globe. Don’t you understand how vital
our role is in maintaining global peace?
If you don’t know how to demagogue
people, if you cannot carryout political
assassinations and conspire against
opposition, then you are not a genuine
dictator.
You are hereby officially stripped from
your title and expelled from our fine
organization. If you set a foot in our
future meetings, you will be castrated
and your testicles will be barbecued.
We recommend you to take a crash
course on “fundamentals of despotism”
in a community college to learn tricks of
our trade.
We urge you to read a book called, “How
to become a dictator in 10 days”. This
precious book has important chapters on
“The positive role of censorship in
advancement of literature” and “The
illustrated history of torture from
medieval ages to 19th century”. By
purchasing this book you should receive a
complimentary pair of one-dimensional
glasses. These glasses help you see the
world only from one perspective. That is
crucial to our survival in this business.
We hope you practice your brutality and
improve your conspiracy skills. Then go
ahead and brush up your sabotage
expertise and perform a few political
assassinations to warm-up. Then try to
establish secret connections with foreign
governments and give them sensitive
classified information to build trust and
solidify your illicit bonds. Remember
western democracies have lots of
experience in overthrowing heads of
states.
We are certain that completing these
rigorous exercises would help you plot a
coup and carry it out flawlessly. Just don’
t let us down again.
Letter to a Lost Friend
My dear friend,
I hope your mother finally find you and give you this letter.
I was shocked to hear the sad news of your sudden disappearance. I
understand life has been a little rough on you but running away is not the
solution. Let’s review the major events of our lives as childhood friends to
understand your resentment toward precious gift of life.
After we finished high school, we went through college then started a business
together to make our dreams come true. We devoted all our resources and
strived to establish a successful partnership.
As our business was taking off and turning to profitability, I went behind your
back and made secrete deals with our competitors and eventually forced our
business to bankruptcy. You frowned up my shortcut to success.
However, before our partnership was dissolved, on numerous occasions, I
forged your signature and falsified documents to enter illicit transactions
under our legitimate business façade. As a result for a few years I profited
handsomely. Unfortunately when our secret operation was compromised, your
name surfaced instead of mine and you were prosecuted and sent to prison. I
know what I did was not cool.
As you were doing time, I was there for your beautiful wife. It took me a little
convincing but she realized she had no future with a convicted felon. To help
your wife get back on track and come out ahead in divorce, I found her a
shrewd lawyer and she finally took control of all your assets as a divorce
settlement.
After divorce, your delicate flower was so emotionally vulnerable and I filled
the void in her life. We both had much in common most importantly you. We
soon got married and flew to Hawaii for honeymoon. I hope you received our
postcard in prison. The postcard was my idea, I wanted you to be involved and
keep contact.
After your eight years prison term I was hoping we could start afresh. My wife
and I welcomed your return with open arms. But instead of embracing us as
your only friends, you embraced bottles of booze and got involve with drugs.
Your lack of self-esteem and determination in managing your life was
perplexing.
Then one night without prior notice as we had a huge party, you showed up
drunk out of your mind like a bum at our doorsteps? You could really humiliate
me before my business partners if they knew I was in any way associated with
you. So I promptly called the police to remove you off our property. Although
you jeopardized my reputation, I didn’t hold grudge against you.
And then out of the blue you disappear. Your capriciousness is truly baffling.
Sometimes I feel I don’t know you at all.
I don’t know where you are but I hope you read these lines.
My advice for you is to be tough. Running a way never solves anything. I hope
our past petty differences do not come between us. Come back, start a new
life and remember, you can always count on me as your friend.
From your Childhood buddy