Adam and Eve
Adam was sleeping on his back, snoring loudly. His annoying
noise echoed through the cave and kept Eve from sleeping a
wink. The moment she dozed off, his unpleasant sounds
woke her. She finally rolled over and gripped his nose shut ‘til
he couldn’t breathe. Adam’s chest shook violently and
jumped awake.
“Must you lie on your back and snore like beasts? You’re
making noise from every hole in your body. How do you
expect me to get some rest?” she sniped.
Adam was sleeping on his back, snoring loudly. His annoying
noise echoed through the cave and kept Eve from sleeping a
wink. The moment she dozed off, his unpleasant sounds
woke her. She finally rolled over and gripped his nose shut ‘til
he couldn’t breathe. Adam’s chest shook violently and
jumped awake.
“Must you lie on your back and snore like beasts? You’re
making noise from every hole in your body. How do you
expect me to get some rest?” she sniped.
Adam scratched his crotch with one hand and wiped his eyes with the other, “How else do you suggest I sleep then? I
can’t turn on my side. Hopefully you haven’t forgotten how your majesty was created. This woman can’t stand to see
me rest!”
This was not the first time Adam rubbed the creation thing in Eve’s face. Every time they squabbled, he mocked her.
But this time, she was too pissed off to take it.
“Enough is enough,” she responded huffily. “Who the hell do you think you are? I don’t owe you anything! It wasn’t my
choice to be created from your damned rib. This is your last warning, you make noise of any kind, and I split.”
“Split my ass.” Adam replied carelessly.
“I am serious Goddamn it, I will find a place of my own.”
“You go to hell.” Adam murmured and settled down to sleep.
But hell was not a nice place and she knew it. The relentless heat, excessive humidity, and polluted air were not good
for her flawless skin. Even in this short period since her creation she avoided the area altogether. She ground her
teeth, lay down next to her man and furiously started counting sheep.
The next morning, Adam sat by the gurgling fountain with a long face. His hair was mussed and his beard unattended.
The past few nights he had terrible nightmares in which he saw Eve with another man. He could feel his woman was
up to something, but he didn’t know who to accuse of this crime. He had no one to blame. Several times, he’d tried to
get her to talk by asking tricky questions, but Eve was too smart. Once he even talked openly of his disturbing dreams
and she flatly rejected this absurd accusation and blamed the nightmares on his late-night gorging. But Adam had a
troubling intuition; he knew something was wrong. His burning jealousy was ruining their lives. He was not in the mood
to do anything anymore. His love making performance was nothing short of disappointment to Eve.
He remembered the first weeks of his life with Eve (the only happy days he had with her). They woke early mornings
and strolled from the northeast side of the heaven to the rim of hell, then walked back and jumped in the pond for a
swim. This morning routine usually turned Adam on that led to a quickie followed by breakfast. The walk was Eve’s
idea to control his weight. She insisted he cut down on red meat and exercise three times a week as he was getting to
look like penguins.
Adam was suspicious of everything—especially those damn monkeys. When they thought he was not around, they
would jump on Eve, play with her and chuckle wickedly. As Eve was floating on her back in the water she called up on
his man, “Adam, I want children. Your jiffy performance in bed is not bearing fruit. It’s embarrassing, you must try
harder.”
Adam stared into the fountain, thinking aloud, “I dreamt we had two kids, one was a nincompoop who couldn’t stand
up for himself and the other one, a rascal and a troublemaker. And the worst part was that they didn’t get along
either. We’re better off without them.”
Eve stood up in the waist-high water, quickly gathering her long hair into a knot and screeched,
“And who the hell made you the boss? Who are you telling me what I want?”
“I don’t want to talk about it!” Adam ordered.
Eve wagged her finger and called upon him in an alarming tone: “You know something? You are not the only one
who makes decisions around here. So far, I lived with you because I had no choice. You were the only man I knew.
Ever since I opened my eyes you were there; but that may not be the case in the future!”
Adam’s cheeks suddenly darkened, his nightmares had turned into reality. “Come out of that damn water right now!”
Eve had never seen her man this angry before. She immediately waded out of water and softly asked, “Why are you
so angry? Adam, in your physical condition, stress can kill you. Calm down, dear.”
“You’re having an affair with those monkeys! I knew they were not touching you innocently. If I catch one, I’ll shove a
stick up his ass!”
Eve shook the water off her hands, “Do you really think I fool around with those ugly creatures? Come on cutie. You
know better.”
Adam lost his senses and violently grabbed her elbows and pulled her to him, “Tell me everything. Who is it? What’s
his name? I want name.”
Since she couldn’t hide the truth any more, she took a deep breath and slightly separated from the raging beast, “His
name is Devil. I met him last week.”
“Devil, What kind of foolish name is that?”
“He prefers to be called Devy. He says Devy is sexier.”
“Where did you meet the bastard? Tell me where he lives and I’ll know what to do to him.”
“Walk straight until you see a split willow tree, then turn left and keep going until you see a misty spring by a cave. It’s
a cozy spot. The air is filled with scented mist and stars blink overhead...”
“Now you go on a rendezvous behind my back? What the hell did you talk about? Tell me everything,” Adam
interrupted.
“Nothing happened between us. Devy is a perfect gentleman. He is poetic, witty and a sweetheart! Adam, you should
see the way he moves his butt when he dances, it’s so charming. Why don’t you come with me and meet him?”
Adam grew more desperate, “He’s a sweet talker, a good dancer with a sense of humor and you still trust him? I’ll
show this maggot who he’s dealing with.”
Adam and Eve planned to visit Devil the next evening. During this time, Adam was increasingly nervous. Anxiety gave
him a severe case of diarrhea, and he spent most of the night behind bushes contemplating a way out this
predicament. He was about to face the man with superior qualities who would steal his woman. He knew Devil was a
good talker so he practiced debating and flung his hands while doing so. He utilized every fancy word he knew but his
vocabulary was so limited. To be safe, he carried a big stick with him. It would serve as a cane to give him a
sophisticated image and to be used to hit Devil in the head, if worst come to worse.
The night arrived and the heavenly couple strolled hand-in-hand to visit Devil. After walking a fairly long distance from
theirs corner of garden of Eden, they found themselves in a cozy spot with a tantalizing view of an aromatic hot spring
surrounded by lush trees and blinking stars overhead. Poor Adam was not enjoying the scenery. His knees were
trembling, he was about fainting. At this moment, the couple noticed a snake lurking in a tree, watching them. Before
they could react, the coiled reptile released itself from the branch and leaped in the air unexpectedly. It then
masterfully vaulted in midair and landed before them in the shape of a man. Adam, who was stunned by this
spectacular performance, desperately mustered his strength, looked his enemy in the eyes and introduced himself,
“Nice to meet you. My name is Adam, the forefather of humanity.”
The host warmly greeted him, “It is a pleasure to meet you, Sir. My name is Devil. ”
Devil invited his guests to sit, “Eve speaks highly of you. You must be an intelligent man to charm a beautiful woman
like her.”
This remark put a beautiful smile on Eve’s face, which did not go unnoticed by Adam. Complimenting his woman was a
quality he never possessed. Devil scored a point.
To neutralize his vicious attack Adam replied, “You are quite an expert in seducing women.”
“I seduce men as well,” Devil said while slyly winking at him.
This dubious comment caught Adam off guard; he was not prepared to respond.
The truth was that Devil’s attitude was not hostile. On the contrary dam found him quite sociable and relaxed. After a
few minutes of chit chat, Satan went inside the cave and returned with a terracotta pitcher and three clay chalices. He
filled the cups with a red liquid and offered them to his guests. Adam and Eve had never seen red water. They
cautiously took a sip. Devil saw the inquiring looks on their faces. “This is wine, a sublime product of grapes.”
He then poured a second round and toasted to their health. After the second, came the third and the forth. Eve
respectfully refused but Adam kept downing the intoxicating liquid. The wine made Adam a little dizzy, yet the pleasant
headache he was experiencing was different from the ones he always had after his arguments with Eve. When Devil
offered the next round, Eve advised her man to refrain as he was acting even more foolishly than usual. But Adam
was out of control, he drank all night and finally staggered to the hot spring, held his chalice high in the air, “I love to
see the moment, the wine-tender offers me the next round and I fail to drink.” At that very moment he collapsed into
the water. Eve was mortified by Adam’s idiotic behavior. She dragged him out of the water, apologized to their host,
and took him home cursing him under her breath.
---------------------------
This was the beginning of an ominous friendship. The couple frequently visited Devil, insisted on learning new skills to
indulge in a carefree life style regardless of the consequences. On numerous occasions, Devil kindly advised the new
comers to enjoy life in moderation but Adam and Eve exhibited no self-restraint. Shortly after this acquaintance,
Adam and Eve surpassed their mentor in every wicked act imaginable. They made higher quality wine and drank it
even with breakfast. The level of their competence in learning evil came as a surprise to Satan himself. The more he
knew the heavenly couple, the less he enjoyed their company. Adam and Eve however found Devil to be a gullible
creature and took every opportunity to mock the hell out of his meek nature. Their favorite pastime was playing
practical jokes on him. To avoid facing Adam and Eve, Devil usually transformed himself into a snake and hid in the
tight cracks of the rocks or in the trees and bushes, but they always found him, pulled him out by the tail and teased
the hell out of him to the point that Devil developed nervous ticks and twitched uncontrollably. More than anything
else, Devil was violated by the sexual advances of Eve. He felt uncomfortable with her meaningful suggestions,
sexually explicit jokes, and inappropriate touches. He had no privacy anymore and life in heaven turned into a living
hell. It didn’t take long before Devil was fed up and determined to end the relationship.
One night he invited the two to his place. After dinner he confronted them, “I have a confession to make. I was told
that you were pure and innocent and according to my contract my mission was to tempt you but I don’t think you
needed any help in that area, temptation is your second nature. Frankly speaking, you my friends are two disturbed
individuals by nature and I don’t want to be blamed for it. Let’s call it quits. This friendship is not going anywhere, I
want out. The entire paradise is yours and I’ll go to hell and enjoy my stay as long as I don’t see you two again.” His
eyes were filled with tears as he uttered these words. At this precise moment when Devil was most emotionally
vulnerable, Eve pinched his ass.
“We’re not through with you yet, you sexy thing!” she giggled repulsively.
Satan blushed by the humiliating gesture. Without raising suspicion, he excused himself and departed. As soon as he
was out of their sight, he ran, he ran for his life. Finally he entered a cave, dropped to his knees, and pleaded to his
creator.
“Dear God! We really need to talk,” he was sobbing. “How could you create such jerks? What were you thinking? I
warn you, if these two idiots procreate, we will be in a big mess. How could these two low lives possibly have decent
genes? Their offspring will be worse than they are. The world will be filled with ignorance and crime. And I can see
what you are up to my tricky Lord. You knew they were good for nothing bums from the beginning. Then you
maliciously got me involved just to blame me later. You planned everything? Didn’t you? You cannot be more
deceitful than that. There is no way I take responsibility for your booboo. I don’t want to be a victim of your conspiracy.
I refuse to be your escape goat. I am submitting my resignation effective immediately.”
Satan cried like spring showers and then he took a deep breath and mopped his running nose and continued, “Let’s
be practical my dear God. What’s done is done but we need to do a damage control. Pointing fingers is not going to
solve our problem. At this point, I don’t care what your plans are for the future of humanity as long as I’m not a part of
it. Just keep these two nuts away from me. Dear God, please do something.” The desperate devil shed tears of
sorrow until despite lack of seizure history he started having severe convulsions and collapsed. He was in a deep
coma for an unknown period of time. When he woke, he was inspired, refreshed and optimistic.
As he strode back to his place, he noticed Adam and Eve approaching. They were both drunk out of their minds. Eve
called out to him, “You ditched us you devil. Come to Mama you naughty boy.”
Satan cleared his throat. “Wait my friends! I am going to show you something new. Believe me you don’t know
everything about heaven yet.”
”And you’re the one who is going to teach us?” Eve slurred the words.
“There is a tree with a fruit that makes you high, it takes you to a different world. The pleasure of wine is nothing
compared to the magical effect of this fruit. But I have to warn you’re prohibited to taste it.”
“If it’s forbidden, it must be good,” Adam said.
“Whatever the hell it is, if it takes us to a different world, count us in,” Eve added.
“This fruit is perfect for you two pleasure seekers. It’s just the right thing for you.”
Devil guided them to the tree. As soon as they reached the forbidden tree, Adam and Eve swiftly picked a fruit and
started gorging as if they’d never eaten before. The moment they swallowed the first bites; they experienced an
enormous thrust, incredibly strong kicks were being applied to their asses. As a result and before they could realize
what’d happened, they were thrown in the air
“Now, you are officially going to the fantasy land!” Devil shouted waving at Adam and Eve as they were getting farther
and farther from heaven.
