Adam and Eve
Adam was sleeping on his back, snoring loudly. His annoying noise echoed through the cave and kept Eve
from sleeping a wink. The moment she dozed off, his unpleasant sounds woke her. She finally rolled over and
gripped his nose shut ‘til he couldn’t breathe. Adam’s chest shook violently and jumped awake. “Must you lie on
your back and snore like beasts? You’re making noise from every hole in your body. How do you expect me to
get some rest?” she sniped.
Adam scratched his crotch with one hand and wiped his eyes with the other, “How else do you suggest I sleep
then? I can’t turn on my side. Hopefully you haven’t forgotten how your majesty was created. This woman can’t
stand to see me rest!”
This was not the first time Adam rubbed the creation thing in Eve’s face. Every time they squabbled, he
mocked her. But this time, she was too pissed off to take it.
“Enough is enough,” she responded huffily. “Who the hell do you think you are? I don’t owe you anything! It
wasn’t my choice to be created from your damned rib. This is your last warning, you make noise of any kind, and
I split.”
“Split my ass.” Adam replied carelessly.
“I am serious Goddamn it, I will find a place of my own.”
“You go to hell.” Adam murmured and settled down to sleep,
But hell was not a nice place and she knew it. The relentless heat, excessive humidity, and polluted air were
not good for her flawless skin. Even in this short period since her creation she avoided the area altogether. She
ground her teeth, lay down next to her man and furiously started counting sheep.
The next morning, Adam sat by the gurgling fountain with a long face. His hair was mussed and his beard
unattended. The past few nights he had terrible nightmares in which he saw Eve with another man. He could feel
his woman was up to something, but he didn’t know who to accuse of this crime. He had no one to blame.
Several times, he’d tried to get her to talk by asking tricky questions, but Eve was too smart. Once he even
talked openly of his disturbing dreams and she flatly rejected this absurd accusation and blamed the nightmares
on his late-night gorging. But Adam had a troubling intuition; he knew something was wrong. His burning jealousy
was ruining their lives. He was not in the mood to do anything anymore. His love making performance was
nothing short of disappointment to Eve.
He remembered the first weeks of his life with Eve (the only happy days he had with her). They woke early
mornings and strolled from the northeast side of the heaven to the rim of hell, then walked back and jumped in
the pond for a swim. This morning routine usually turned Adam on that led to a quickie followed by breakfast.
The walk was Eve’s idea to control his weight. She insisted he cut down on red meat and exercise three times a
week as he was getting to look like penguins.
Adam was suspicious of everything—especially those damn monkeys. When they thought he was not around,
they would jump on Eve, play with her and chuckle wickedly. As Eve was floating on her back in the water she
called up on his man, “Adam, I want children. Your jiffy performance in bed is not bearing fruit. It’s embarrassing,
you must try harder.”
Adam stared into the fountain, thinking aloud, “I dreamt we had two kids, one was a nincompoop who couldn’t
stand up for himself and the other one, a rascal and a troublemaker. And the worst part was that they didn’t get
along, either. We’re better off without them.”
Eve stood up in the waist-high water, quickly gathering her long hair into a knot and screeching, “And who the
hell made you the boss? Who are you telling me what I want?”
“I don’t want to talk about it!” Adam ordered.
Eve pointed her finger and called upon him in an alarming tone: “You know something? You are not the only
one who makes decisions around here. So far, I lived with you because I had no choice. You were the only man I
knew. Ever since I opened my eyes you were there; but that may not be the case in the future!”
Adam’s cheeks suddenly darkened, his nightmares had turned into reality. “Come out of that damn water right
now!”
Eve had never seen her man this angry before. She immediately waded out of water and softly asked, “Why are
you so angry? Adam, in your physical condition, stress can kill you. Calm down, dear.”
Adam screamed, “You’re having an affair with those monkeys! I knew they were not touching you innocently. If I
catch one, I’ll shove a stick up his ass!”
Eve shook the water off her hands, “Do you really think I fool around with monkeys? Come on cutie. I wouldn’t
consider such a thing.”
Adam lost his senses. He violently grabbed her elbows and pulled her to him, “Tell me everything. Who is it?
What’s his name?”
Eve knew she couldn’t hide the truth any more. She took a deep breath and slightly separated from raging
Adam, “His name is Devil. I met him last week.”
“Devil? What kind of foolish name is that?”
“He wants me to call him Devy. He says Devy is sexier.”
“Where did you meet the bastard? Tell me where he lives and I’ll know what to do to him.”
Eve pointed, “Walk straight until you see a split willow tree, then turn left and keep going until you see a misty
spring by a cave. It’s a cozy spot. The air is filled with scented mist and stars blink overhead...”
Adam interrupted, “Now you go on a rendezvous behind my back? What the hell did you talk about? Tell me
everything.”
Eve nervously responded, “Nothing happened between us. Devy is a gentleman. He is poetic, witty and a
sweetheart! You should see the way he dances, it’s so charming. Why don’t you come with me and meet him?”
Adam grew more desperate, “He’s a sweet talker, a good dancer with a sense of humor and you still trust him? I’
ll show this maggot who he’s dealing with.”
Adam and Eve planned to visit Devil the next evening. During this time, Adam was increasingly nervous.
Anxiety gave him a severe case of diarrhea, and he spent most of the night behind bushes contemplating a way
out this predicament.
He was about to face the man with superior qualities who would steal his woman. He knew Devil was a good
talker so in the remaining short time, he practiced debating. He flung his hands while lecturing himself and used
fancy words but his vocabulary was so limited. To be safe, he carried a big stick with him. It would serve as a
cane to make him look sophisticated and he could use it to hit Devil in the head, if worst come to worse.
The night arrived and the heavenly couple walked hand-in-hand to visit Devil. They found themselves in a cozy
spot with a tantalizing view of an aromatic hot spring surrounded by lush trees and blinking stars overhead. But
poor Adam was not enjoying the scene, his knees were trembling. He was almost fainting.
The couple noticed a snake lurking in a tree, watching them. Before they could react, the snake released
himself from the branch and flew in the air. It masterfully tossed and turned and landed before them in the shape
of a man. Adam, who was stunned by this spectacular performance, desperately gathered all his strength, looked
his enemy in the eyes, and introduced himself, “Nice to meet you. My name is Adam, the forefather of humanity.”
Their host warmly greeted him, “It is a pleasure to meet you, Sir. My name is Devil, the Lucifer, prince of this
world.”
Devil invited his guests to sit, “Eve speaks highly of you. You must be an intelligent man to charm a beautiful
woman like her.”
This remark put a beautiful smile on Eve’s face, which did not go unnoticed by Adam. Complimenting his woman
was something he‘d never mastered. Devil had scored a point. To neutralize this vicious attack Adam replied,
“You are quite an expert in seducing women.”
Devil smiled, “I seduce men as well,” and slyly winked at him. This unexpected comment caught Adam off guard;
he was not prepared to respond.
The truth was that Devil’s attitude was not hostile. Adam found him quite sociable and relaxed. After they chatted
a little, Satan went inside the cave and returned with a clay pitcher and three clay chalices. He filled the cups with
a blood-red liquid and offered them to his guests. Adam and Eve had never seen red water, both sipped
tentatively. Devil saw the inquiring looks on their faces. “This is wine, a product of grapes.”
He then poured a second round and toasted to their health. After the second, came the third and the forth. Eve
refused but Adam kept drinking. The wine made Adam a little dizzy, the pleasant headache he experienced was
different from the ones he always had during his arguments with Eve. When Devil offered the next round, Eve
advised her man to refrain as he was acting even more foolishly than usual. But Adam was out of control, he
drank all night and finally staggered to the hot spring, held his chalice high in the air, “I love to see the moment,
the wine-tender offers me the next round and I fail to drink.” Then he collapsed into the water. Eve was mortified
by Adam’s idiotic behavior. She dragged him out of the water, apologized to their host, and took him home
cursing him under her breath. ---------------------------
This was the beginning of a friendship between Adam and Eve and Satan. The couple frequently visited Devil.
Although Devil advised them to enjoy life in heaven in moderation but they always went too far. They showed a
superior aptitude and enthusiasm to learn his Devilish acts. The level of their competence in learning evil came
as a surprise to Satan himself. The more he knew them, the less he liked them.
Shortly after this acquaintance, they made better wine than their mentor. Adam showed extreme talent in
debating both sides of any issue. He diabolically twisted any argument to his favor and nailed his opponent.
Soon they surpassed their master in every aspect. Adam and Eve both considered Devil to be a naïve and
gullible creature and mocked him every opportunity they had. They loved to play practical jokes on poor Devil.
He didn’t know how to stay away from them. He usually transformed himself into a snake and hid in holes, but
they pulled him out by the tail and teased him ruthlessly. Gradually, Devil developed nervous ticks and twitched
uncontrollably. More than anything else, he was aggravated by the unwanted sexual advances of Eve. He felt so
uncomfortable with her meaningful comments, sexually explicit jokes, and inappropriate touches. He had no
privacy anymore. Life in heaven turned into a living hell for poor Devil. He lost control of his life. It didn’t take
long before Devil was fed up and determined to end the relationship.
One night he invited the two to his place. After dinner, he confronted them, “I have a confession to make. I had
a simple mission to tempt you. My understanding was that you were pure and innocent and my job was to corrupt
you but I don’t think you needed any help in that area. You my friends are two disturbed individuals by nature
and I don’t want to be blamed for it. Let’s call it quits. This friendship is not going anywhere, I want out. The
entire paradise is yours and I’ll go to hell and enjoy my stay as long as I don’t see you two again.” His eyes were
filled with tears as he uttered these words. At this precise moment when Devil was most emotionally vulnerable,
Eve shamelessly pinched his ass. “We are not through with you yet, you sexy thing!” and giggled repulsively.
Satan blushed by this humiliating treatment. He did not know a nice way of getting rid of them. Without raising
suspicion, he excused himself and departed. As soon as he was out of their sight, he ran, he ran for his life.
Finally he entered a cave, dropped to his knees, and cried to his creator.
“Dear God! We need to talk. I have carefully studied these two creatures of yours and analyzed their
behaviors. How could you create such jerks? What were you thinking? I warn you, if these two idiots procreate,
we will be in a big mess. How could these two possibly have decent genes? Their offspring will be worse than
they are. The world will be filled with ignorance and crime. And I can see what you are up to my dear Lord. You
knew they were good for nothing bums from the beginning. Then you maliciously got me involved just to blame
me later. You already planned everything? Didn’t you? You cannot be more deceitful than that. There is no way
I take responsibility for your booboo. I don’t want to be a victim of your conspiracy. I refuse to be your escape
goat. I am submitting my resignation effective immediately.”
Satan cried like spring showers and then he took a deep breath and mopped his running nose and continued,
“Let’s be practical my dear God. What’s done is done but we need to do a damage control. Pointing fingers is
not going to solve our problem. At this point, I don’t care what your plans are for the future of humanity as long
as I’m not a part of it. Just keep these two nuts away from me. Dear God, please do something.” The desperate
devil shed tears of sorrow and sobbed in misery until despite lack of seizure history he started having
convulsions and collapsed. He went into a deep coma for an unknown period. When he woke, he was inspired,
refreshed and optimistic.
As he strode back to his place, he noticed Adam and Eve approaching. They were both drunk out of their minds.
Eve called out to him, “You ditched us you devil. Come to Mama you naughty boy.” Satan cleared his throat.
“Wait my friends! I am going to show you something new. Believe me you don’t know everything about heaven
yet.”
Eve giggled, ”And you are the one who is going to teach us? That I like to see.”
And Devil confidently continued, “There is a tree with a fruit that makes you high, it takes you to a different world.
The pleasure of wine is nothing compared to magical effect of this fruit. But I have to warn you’re prohibited to
taste it.”
Eve anxiously remarked, “If it’s forbidden, it must be good.”
Adam countered, “Whatever the hell it is, if it takes us to a different world, count me in.”
Devil continued, “This fruit is perfect for you two pleasure seekers. It’s just the right thing for you.” He gladly
guided them to the tree. They swiftly picked a fruit and started gorging as if they’d never eaten before. The
moment they swallowed the first bites; they felt an incredibly strong kick to their asses. Before they could realize
what’d happened, they were thrown in the air. Devil sighed in relief and waved at them as they were getting
farther and farther from heaven and joyfully shouted, “Now, you are officially going to the fantasy land!”